Dear Professor Brad Blackstone
I would like to make use of this opportunity to introduce myself due to the limitations of doing so in class. I am Sean Sin Kiat Wei, you can call me Sean and I am a year 1 telematics student in your technical communications group class. I graduated from Singapore Polytechnic in 2014 with a diploma in bioengineering and decided to take up telematics as it is the most relevant course out of the other courses I was offered. Singapore is also progressing into a smart nation with various on-going interesting intelligent transports projects such as driverless cars and other smart car projects. This is also part of the reason for choosing telematics as my course of study in Singapore Institute of Technology (SIT).
Aside from academics, I am also an enthusiastic basketball player and I have been playing organised basketball since I was thirteen. I play the shooting guard position. And as the position suggest, my job is to score every time I receive the ball when possible. I would also have to communicate well with my team mates so that we can execute a play flawlessly. Apart from sports, I have been building, customizing and racing in miniature four-wheel-drive (4WD) cars as my favorite pastime. I have already customized about five cars till date and I usually head down to the race track in the Tamiya Store near Tai Seng area to test out my customization. This thought came one day while I was building and customizing a car, what if I were able to build a car by myself, driving to where we command the car to go and get to the destination on time and with zero accident rate. That thought was the key reason why I have decided to seize the opportunity to enroll and study in the field of intelligent transport systems.
The most crucial flaw in communication that I have is the ability to articulate myself to the public. I usually get very anxious speaking to large groups and it got so bad that I would actually get into a mental block and would just mumble to myself during the presentation. I believe that I will conquer my phobia and overcome this pivotal communication obstacle after this twenty-hour module. Separately, my strength for communication is the capability to speak in smaller circles. I must thank both national service and basketball for me being sociable.
One of my goals for this module is definitely to be more confident when speaking in a presentation. My second goal would to upgrade my speaking skills. I believe that improving in communications is the same as improving in basketball and customizing a miniature 4WD car, it takes criticism from the audience and years of practice.
Thank you for your time.
Yours Sincerely,
Sean
edited on 28 November 2018
Thank you for your time.
Yours Sincerely,
Sean
edited on 28 November 2018
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ReplyDeleteHi Sean, your language usage is mostly correct. However there are some errors such as in paragraph line 2, you should not start your sentence with an "and" after a fullstop. In paragraph 3, there is a word that you can actually replace which is from "muster" to "overcome". "Muster" is used with the word courage. Thus your sentence can be simplified and written as "I believe that I will overcome this pivotal communication obstacle after this twenty-hour module." Your overall self-reflection is interesting and I can tell how much passion you have for the telematics course. Believe in yourself and all the best!
ReplyDeleteHi Sean! Overall, your self-introduction is great. You have great flow and the way you conveyed your points can be easily understood. However, your language usage can be better. For example, in paragraph two, line six, it is better to say "I have customized about five cars to date...". Also, in paragraph one, I believe you can cut the sentences shorter instead of using multiple commas. For example, instead of "I graduated from Singapore Polytechnic in 2014 with a diploma in bioengineering and decided to take up telematics as it is the most relevant course out of the other courses I was offered.", you can break it down to "I graduated from Singapore Polytechnic in 2014 with a diploma in bioengineering. I decided to take up telematics as it is the most relevant course out of the other course I was offered.".
ReplyDeleteLet's support and improve together in Technical Communications!
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ReplyDeleteDear Sean,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this reflection. You address each of the areas of the assignment while doing so with richly detailed explanations.
You do a particularly good job expounding upon your interest in miniature four-wheel-drive (4WD) cars and then connecting this with your telematics study choice.
Your sports interest resonated with me personally. (I played b-ball obsessively for half my life and even coached for several years). It's nice to see you connect the teamwork involved to communication skills as well. (Are you a member of SIT's team?)
All in all, this is a very good effort. There are only a few blemishes in language use that detract:
1. sentence structure
-- I am Sean Sin Kiat Wei, you can call me Sean and I am a year 1 telematics student, in your technical communications group class.
>>> (comma splice)
-- This idea came one day while I was build and customize a car, what if I were to be able to build a car by myself, where , just driving to where we command the car to go and get to the destination on time flawlessly with zero accident rate. >>> (comma splice)
-- I believe that improving in communications is the same as improving in basketball and customizing a miniature 4WD car, it takes criticism from the audience and years of practising. >>> (comma splice) ?
2. phrasing/words/capitals
-- an enthusiastic Basketball player >>> (cap needed?)
-- till date >>> to date
-- while I was build and customize >>> (lack of correct parallel verb forms) ?
-- The most crucial flaw in communication for myself would be the ability to articulate myself to the public. >>> (use of reflexive pronoun) ?
-- muster my fears >>> ?
-- for me to be sociable. >>> for me becoming sociable.
Let's work on a revision in order to refine your writing skills.
I look forward to reading more from you this term.
Cheers,
Brad